Bakit ganun. Nitong mga nakaaraang araw lang ang saya saya ko. Parang overflowing yung mga happy moments ko. Tapos bigla bigla parang doomsday. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Naiiyak lang ako pag naiisip ko. Tapos eto nga wala naman akong ginagawa pero ako pa din yung mali. Parang wala na kong nagawang tama. Ang lungkot. Bukas may pasok na naman sa trabaho. Gusto kong umabsent pero ayoko namang mamihasa na laging trabaho ko ang nasasakripisyo dahil sa mga pansariling interes ko. Sana lang may magandang mangyari bukas kahit pambawi na lang sa mga nasirang oras at araw ko. Akala ko tuloy tuloy ng ganto hindi pa rin naman pala. Nakak frustrate lang.

Long weekend. The most boring long weekend ever. I was supposed to go out tomorrow but due to some circumstances that's beyond my control, I'll stay at home. This is boring. And frustrating. and disappointing. Some things cannot be just easily blamed because as I said earlier, it's beyond my control. I planned it for a long time but with just a snap... hmmhhmm... I'm lonely. I just feel that I am always deprived of everything. Or is it planned? It's like trying out how long my patience is. I don't know. But it's really lonely being on my shoes. Maybe this what you get when you plan your life. This is what you get when you are so organized. But doesn't that help? Plotting out what you want to do so that at least you'll have a pattern on what's ahead of you? On my case, what's happening to me is the opposite of what I planned. I planned something and waited for it for a long time, then when it's about to happened, either something will came up or I myself will be changing the plans I made. It's very frustrating. I'm too tired to plan for my life... to plan for everything... that's why I hate uncertainties... it ruins my semi-organized life. I've had enough. I'll never plan my life again. Ever.

I'm glad that love works for everyone. Even it often fails me, at least everyone else is happily enjoying it.

I hate growing up. It only means more responsibilities, matured perspective, wide patience, and most painfully, deeper outlook in life. Not that I'm that shallow. Guess i'm too young , or immature to face life. Up to now, people still think that i'm a child. Physically speaking, yes I do look like a child. But mentally and emotionally speaking, I dont. I still act like a kid. And thinks like a kid. This is a torture...

may 12, 2009
7:36pm

i'm not sure how to begin. not sure how to end. what i am sure of is that i'm really mad. mad as hell. i just want to pop out of thin air. he was happy with them. he feels complete when he's with them. and i can't beat that. he's my world. while i'm not his. i can't make him make me. but at least make me feel at times i am...

it's my mom and dad's 24th wedding anniversary today. the relevance? i envy them for having a great relationship though they are ocean and continents apart for 23 years. while me? never mind.

i want to have a love story of my own. a perfect love story. wherein there will be no tears. no anger. no fights. no unnecessary people. only me and him. but it will always be a dream. for this might be the end of us. the end of my once romantic love story. that end up as a tragic romance. will i have to endure this for a long time, i have to try. yes. love is often times overrated. and my love for him is overrated.

i never loved anyone so much like this for all of my life. it pains so much that i am depicted as the one who never understands. the one who always starts the fight. In short, the bad person. if this what things should be... then so be it. i won't be interrupting what fate decides for us anymore. this might be the reason why we don't work out anymore.

we're only contradicting our fate, that is destined to fall apart.

As much as i hated to do it... I still did. I'm so fed up. Hearing non-helping comments, finding out things that I shouldn't suppose to know... I know, I should've been more considerate. But if he should try putting himself on my shoes maybe he'll realize. No, I doubt. He never understands. No matter how I try to make him realize that, he won't. And I'm so tired. We tried to work it out for I don't know how many times but still it won't work. I want to scream, I want to ruin everything around me, I want to let it all out. I just wanna forget. Forget that I was madly in love with the guy who made me what I am today.... So what I have become? I can't really tell. But I know I changed a lot. I was never like this. I know myself better than those people around me who claim they know me so well. It hurts. I love him so much. I love him so much that I hate myself being like this... Who have given up almost everything. I know this is wrong. Making him to be the center of my world. But that's me. That's how I love. They said it's wrong.. giving all you have when your loving someone. But that's what I did... And it's killing me that I can't let go of him just like that. After everything we've shared. The laughs. The tears...Everything. But things don't usually happened the way we want it to be. And it sucks... I curse myself for being like this. For being so clingy. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!

pakamatay na lang kaya ko? i feel so worthless..... it's totally depressing i cant even bear it....

I feel so depress. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Eto na ba penitensya ko ngayong holy week? Emotional sacrifice. Gusto ko iumpog ulo ko sa pader baka sakaling magka amnesia ako tapos makakalimutan ko na lahat para wala na kong problema. At least pag nakalimot ako di ko na iniisip mga iniisip ko ngayon. I hate disappointments. I hate frustrations. It's always my line from the start, at pinaninindigan ko na na ang blog na 'to ay blog na puno ng ka emohan. Parang wala ng magandang nangyayari sa buhay ko this past few days. Nakaka depress na talaga. I'm not ashamed to say na napaka iyakin ko. Na lahat dinadaan ko na lang sa iyak pag wala akong magawa.Gaya ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko masosolusyonan 'tong iniisip ko. Hindi naman actually problema. Tama na sigurong tawaging disappointment. Basta na dedepress ako...

nadedepress ako