Nov. 11, 2009
07:19pm

Kanina pag uwi ramdam na ramdam ko na ang lamig ng hangin. Ibang iba na ang ambiance. Magpapasko na talaga.

I did not picture myself celebrating Christmas alone. I mean, oo kasama ko pamilya ko. Pero yun bang may ibang tao akong kasamang magcecelebrate. 2 Chirstmases, I celebrated it with him. But now. Everything's over. It just ended without me feeling that he had done enough to prove that he doesn't want to lose me. Wala eh. Mahirap magpapansin sa taong ayaw naman i full force ang tinatawag nyang "effort". Anong magagawa ko kung siya ang unang bumitaw? Na later on malalaman ko pang nagsisinungaling pala sa'kin. Sige naging unfair ako sa madaming bagay. Pero ni minsan hindi ako nag intensyon na magsinungaling para sa iba pang importanteng bagay sa buhay ko. Siguro nga masyadong importante sa kanya yun kaya nagawa niyang magsinungaling. Ewan. Pag naiisip ko pa din nanghihinayang ako sa tiwalang binigay ko. Kaya eto, ngayon, mag isa ako. Kahit pilitin kong ibaling atensyon ko sa ibang bagay makaiwas lang sa pag iisip mas lamang pa din ang mga oras na mag isa ako, ngumanalngal sa nangyari. No matter how I distract myself, ganun pa din. Sabagay, matagal na panahon din pinagsamahan namin. 2 years. 2years na 1/2 ata nun eh puro away. But I can't deny the fact that I love him, and I still do. Sabi ko nga sa kanya dati, I will always love him. Kahit na recently lang sinabi ko na mamamatay akong galit sa kanya at sa mga taong involved. Maybe it will took me a long time to heal dahil kumbaga sa sakit, "chronic" na ko. Malala na. At kelangan atang gamitan ng matinding antibiotic para kahit papano maisalba pa. Ma mimiss ko pa din siguro yung mga panahong masaya kaming magkasama. Lahat ng bagay na ginawa namin. Sayang. Ang dami pa naman sana naming plano. Pero wala. Hanggang dito na lang eh. Hanggang dun na lang ang kaya niya para ipaglaban yung sinasabi niyang "pagmamahal" niya sa'kin. Nakakalungkot.

Masyado na palang mahaba 'to. Ang hirap kasi ng nagtatago ng nararamdaman. Walang masabihan. Maski naman dati pa. Yung mga sama ng loob ko usually sinasarili ko na lang. Kaya sigurdo matinding depression na 'tong na eexperience ko ngayon. Sana kayanin ko pa.

Alam kong mababasa mo 'to. Di na'ko magpapaligoy ligoy. Nasaktan ako. Oo, hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan. Alam kong di ako naging patas sa'ting dalawa. Pero ni minsan, hindi ako nagsinungaling sa'yo. Sana aminin mo naman ng walang halong panunumbat na maling mali ka sa ginawa mo, at totoong mas mahalaga sila sa'yo dahil nakukuha mong i-risk ang lahat para lang sa kanila. Masakit. Dahil hindi ko magawa sa mga kaibigan ko yon. Talaga bang walang tatalo sa samahan ng mula childhood kesa sa dalawang taong pagsasama? Sa totoo lang, pinipilit kong maging masaya. Pinipilit kong lunurin ang utak ko ng masasayang memories na hindi kasama, pero nalalamangan yun ng memories mo, natin, at lalo akong nasasaktan. Hindi ko naman pwedeng pabayaan ang sarili ko dahil alam kong kelangan ko ding alagaan ang sarili ko na alam mo kung ano ang dahilan. Pero unti unti, kinakain ako ng depression. Hindi ko matanggap na hindi lang ikaw ang nanggago sa'kin. Madami kayo. Kung dadating ang araw na magkikita tayo ulit, magpapanggap akong hindi kita nakilala at never na meet sa buong buhay ko. Kahit gano pa kadami ang pinagsamahan natin. Ganun mo ko sinaktan. Madami pa kong gustong sabihin pero nagrereklamo na'tong computer ko. Kahit kelan talaga hindi ko kayang labanan emosyon ko. Kung nasaktan ka sa mga sinabi ko, mas nasaktan ako. Walang kapantay. Sana maging maligaya ka sa piling nila. At kung makakahanap ka ng bagong mamahalin, siguraduhin mo ng makakasundo ang mga pinakamamahal mong kaibigan para hindi ka na mahirapan.

Thanks for all the pain you caused me.

11:07pm
Nov. 10, 2009

I never dreamed of this to happened.. Just when I thought I have everything in this world.. I feel so weak.. I've no one to run to. I've said enough still it can contain the emptiness I am feeling. I want to shout, ruin everything around me, I want to kill, I want to die, I just want to evaporate. Diversion's maybe the answer but that's the question? What diversion should be effective? Wish I'm that strong.. wish I'm that brave to face this alone... But I'm not. I know I can't go on like this forever, but I don't know how...

Sept. 6, 2009
9:21am

I feel so alone. With no one around to tell what's running on my mind, I feel like a child left alone in the dark. The person supposed to be the one beside me, well, I've decided to leave him alone to focus on the more important thing on his life. He's thinking I'm doing this for myself. For once, I'm doing this for the both of us. Maybe we really need a space to grow up and find ourselves. It's hard. I'm used to having him just around, well not physically, but having him to talk about everything, makes me feel really alone since he's not with me anymore. I can't move on with my life, but I know I have to. He once told me that his world/life doesn't revolve around me, so guess I have to learn from him. My world isn't just all about him.

We have lots to argue. Our opinions clashes. In short, we don't jive like we used to. No one wants to be defeated. Would it make us better? No. That's why we always fight. Despite of that, I still love him. But I guess love ain't just enough. There are things, other than love, that will make a relationship work. And maybe that's what we are lacking. Well, whatever that is, I have to figure it out. I'm just wishing him a good life ahead. And if ever he found the one he thinks the right one for him, then I'll be willing to give way for her, whoever she is. Whatever makes him happy.

This is a very sad blog that I can't stop tears falling from my eyes. If ever he'll read this, I just want him to know that in days to come without him, life would be so dull. But as long as I'm not with him hindering on his success, then I would not hesitate to walk away. I love him just the same.

If that was a joke, then it's not funny. Of all the things he would criticize... Damn. That's offending. And he did not get the hint that I was offended. I know it's obvious then why would he... grrrr! And he's supposed to be my boyfriend. No wonder why there are girls out there who's willing to through knife because there are men who can't appreciate. The nerve! What a great way to end the night!

Aug. 15, 2009
10:52pm

As I was signing in to this site, I am very much decided that I'll be posting a blog regarding my "one-more-hour-to-go" birthday. But now, as I am writing this, all the ideas are gone. I wonder where it go. Anyway, It's just that I am not really sure if i am excited or not that I'll be officially 22 in just an hour. It's mixed emotions. I'm all grown up. That's it. I'm not excited. Unlike before. Maybe this might be the fact that I'm getting old. Well that's for me. I really appreciate that my mom does everything, from the foods up to the visitors. I'm touched that even though I already have a work still she's giving her all out support, financially speaking. Well again this might be because of getting older, you don't get excited.

My only wish though: be happy. As simple as that.

ten ten tenen

July 17, 2009
11:46pm

For the first time, nakasama ko din siya overnight. Been wishing for that for a long time. The last time we planned it hindi natuloy eh and that was last year ago, ngayon lang naisakatuparan :)) sayang lang kasi pinauwi din ako ng maaga sa work 'coz of the weather, maaga pa naman kami umalis sa bahay, di sana nakasama ko pa siya ng matagal or sabay na lang kami umuwi. Anyway.....

I believe I'm matured enough to decide for my future. I'm not saying na wala ng pwedeng mag disagree or kumontra sa'kin. I guess it would be simpler to say that, I can decide for myself. Period. Ang nangyayari lang, my plans clashes sa kung anong gusto niya. Ok, so he strongly holds on to what he believes, and so am I. Maybe this is a big deal to me because this is for my future. And yes, I'm actually planning on what's ahead of me. Of us. Ang nangyayari lang, iba ang mga paniniwala namin. I'm not opposing his, and he's not opposing mine. We actually talked about 'that's my opinion and that is yours. The End.' stuff and we end up like 'ok if you say so'. So maybe I'm planning a way bit toooo early for that and that stuff doesn't come up to his mind yet. Ganto lang siguro pag tumatanda. O ganto lang talaga ang mga babae. I've read somewhere that guys aren't really particular regarding those things because their minds are, you know, uhm, how can I say this... they still have this childish attitude left in them. They're not used being critical on their future when it comes to those stuff. Di ba nga most guys would want to tie the knot at the age of 30 and above. 'Coz at their mid-20's or late 20's the feeling of freedom, especially when they already built their career, is on it's climax and they want to enjoy it. And on that stage, what matters is that they enjoy life... Okay medyo lumalayo na ang topic ko.

Going back to my issue, the central idea is this: We have different beliefs. And it will be idealistic to think of it as early as now than to contemplate on it when that time comes. I'm sure there will be a lot more issues to come out that will complicate things to the higher level. Will it be a factor to a bigger discrepancy in our future? Or am I just really making a big deal out of it?

Bakit ganun. Nitong mga nakaaraang araw lang ang saya saya ko. Parang overflowing yung mga happy moments ko. Tapos bigla bigla parang doomsday. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Naiiyak lang ako pag naiisip ko. Tapos eto nga wala naman akong ginagawa pero ako pa din yung mali. Parang wala na kong nagawang tama. Ang lungkot. Bukas may pasok na naman sa trabaho. Gusto kong umabsent pero ayoko namang mamihasa na laging trabaho ko ang nasasakripisyo dahil sa mga pansariling interes ko. Sana lang may magandang mangyari bukas kahit pambawi na lang sa mga nasirang oras at araw ko. Akala ko tuloy tuloy ng ganto hindi pa rin naman pala. Nakak frustrate lang.